Breakdown Number 2
I thought things would improve, but I feel more and more disconnected. I’m not sure why, but just being here, I feel this need to just crumble into a ball and cave in on myself.
My limbs feels like twigs ready to snap. Exhaustion and the lack of ability to sleep or eat makes me more and more secluded. Of course, this isn’t something to worry about. No, because I am luck to be here. I shouldn’t have a care in the world. Things people assume that I have got going for me. I hate that. I absolutely hate it.
“How is London?”
“Good! How are you?”
“Oh you’re so lucky! How are classes over there?”
“Busy but good. Ah how have you been?”
“Oh I see.”
As much as I try to interact with people, I feel as though one step forward brings me back two steps.
It doesn’t help that people back at home, with the exception of two or three people, make me want to never come back home. Maybe I was too optimistic to think “Oh yeah we’ve been friends since high school and we never had trouble up until now!” It’s inevitable for me to feel left out since I left home, but to still feel that way when I come home makes me sick to my stomach. I hate all the inside jokes that are never explained to me.
Am I not trying hard enough to stay friends with everyone still?
Maybe it’s not them, but me all along. I hate thinking all these things but what else do I do when I am alone?
I hate that I have no control over this anymore.
I have never felt so depressed in my life.
I don’t even know where to call home anymore.
I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish by rebooting this blog, but I won’t lie and say that I didn’t enjoy ranting on here. However, this blog isn’t for that. Well, kind of but not so much. This is just me. You can either take it or leave it right?
Somebody To Love
Is it sad that I’m writing my feelings about a kpop band?
LOL I’m going to sound ridiculous.
Back in 2008, I discovered the group Big Bang. They were still a recent phenomenon for me. Grant it, they were still recent, they were explosive in the kpop industry. For two years, I followed their music and fell in love with everything. As time progressed, I felt very lost as they started to come out with newer music. The music wasn’t bad, but I couldn’t recognize any of it as them. Taeyang’s Wedding Dress was dull to me. GD&TOP’s High High left me disinterested. Big Bang’s Tonight left me bitter. To add to that, Daesung’s and G-Dragon’s controversy left me disheartened.
Why is it that this band that I loved so much changed without me knowing? Can I even still be considered a VIP? One of the things I hate the most, is change. Change can be applicable with anything, but in this case its not a surface level sort of thing like appearances. Rather, the change lies within their music. When did their music become something that was primarily commercial? When did they start to only sing about things that have no depth? What happened to songs like Dirty Cash or Oh My Friend? This sort of change was extremely difficult for me. I took a stance that I did not like any of their new music. I purposely refused to listen to any of their work. I was convinced that it was all the same and that YG has disappointed me too great of a deal to accept them as they are. (YG Ent. is another rant on its own…)
Recently, I heard Somebody To Love (LATE I KNOW LOL) - but I loved it. I loved everything about it. Watching their practice performance for this song made me almost cry. I still want to see them live. They still have this stage presence that makes my heart beat like crazy, just like how I first discovered them. I’m in love again.
A lot of the reason why I feel angry about groups like Big Bang and 2NE1 is because of their fan base. Especially those who love Big Bang because of Taeyang’s Wedding Dress or GD&TOP’s High High. They had no idea what Big Bang came out with prior to Lies. Do you even know their history? Do you even know what struggles Daesung and Taeyang had to go through in order to get to where they are now? Did you know Taeyang was the shyest one towards girls? Do you even know what his first solo was? How dare you say he’s your favorite just because of Wedding Dress. Did you know Daesung was one of the most popular ones? How dare you call him ugly. I hate feeling like some sort of elitist and I probably come off as one, but is it so wrong?
I listen to kpop, not because of the pretty boys and catchy tunes, but because of all the stories behind each artist that took them to get to stardom.
Honestly, I cry in frustration when someone calls themselves a fan without knowing anything about these individuals that we call idols and kpop stars.
When I say Somebody, Then you say T-T-To Love.
We all want to be loved right?
When I see you two together, my chest aches. I want a love like that. a friendship like that. a meeting like that.
There’s a lot of things I want, but of all the things I want, I want you to stay here in my life. Please don’t go far away. It’ll only be harder to call out your name.
This is Natalie, aka Cafehoney, aka Mintyhoney.
Since its getting harder to keep track of all your tumblrs due to my random kpop dashboard spam, I created a dash just to see you guys! kekeke not saying i dont see you guys on my dash, this just makes it easier! :D <3